2011 on reflection..

As my best friend has managed to sum up 2011 in a note to her loved ones, I thought I would try to do the same.

After a pretty rocky and emotional 2010, I did not expect much of this year. Even as the clock striked midnight on the 1st of 2011, in my head I knew this was not my year.

Boy was I completely wrong.

At the beginning of the year I managed to find myself in a new relationship. This is something I never would of dreamt of after the ordeal I went through last year but I was lucky enough to have found someone who had manage to restore my faith in men. And despite us not lasting long, and the cock ups on both our parts this past year, we've been mature enough to remain friends and it's something I am truly grateful for.

The summer of 2011 can pretty much be summed up in one word. Mental. On reflection looking through conversations with a friend I was at the peak of my sexuality. Not in a slutty way mind you (repressing some nights out here haha.) But there was a never a dull moment. My summer was filled with evenings out with gorgeous men. Each one taught me a life lesson and opened my eyes to future possibilities. I know if I ever feel lonely I can look back on this summer and know there are true gentlemen out there, and one that will eventually make an honest woman out of me.

And lets not forget the friends I have made from work. You guys made my summer filled with adventures. Frat partys, sunrooms, day rave, banana costume banter, Brighton, xmas party...the list is endless. Thank you for filling my life with laughter this year.

And to my oldest and dearest friends and family. You know who you are, thank you for giving me the strength to put my head down and get to where I need to be for next year. I can say that I am truly proud of myself, that this year I have not even a handful of regrets and I am blessed with true friends and family. Lord knows where I would be without mamma and papa Roberts, and my brother, who has been a massive help to me throughout my life.

So as this year comes to an end I can only describe myself to be a mixture of emotions, sad to be leaving, excited for the next chapter in my life but all in all a very happy individual.

Love to all x

Well now...

I was going to make a new blog, as this blog has been my little private rant when I've needed it these past few years. But what i've come to realise is, I don't have much to hide..and even if you don't like what you read, i've left the country....so who really cares what you think?

So consider this my travelling blog from now on! In precisely 10 days I will be on that jetplane, first stop Bangkok. So much to organise and yet all I seem to be doing is eating chocolate and drinking makers mark at 12:30 in the afternoon...

Needless to say I think this journey will change me!

I just need to..

start saying my thank yous on here. So that when it comes to making the big goodbye speech I won't choke on what the hell to write.

Shell, Laura, Shenaz and Caroline. If there was an Essex version of Sex and the City, we'd be it. These girls are my main reason for making the decision of moving back to Essex in the first place. These girls know me inside out...and still love me dearly for it. Over a year ago now, despite not being in Southampton at the time when my life fell to pieces, they were still there for me. And I know whereever in the world I may be, or end up, they will always be apart of me x

81 days..

That's 11 weeks and 4 days. That's 1,944 hours. That's all I have left of Essex until I embark on my journey of discovery.

Get me out of here. Seriously.

6 months 2 weeks and 3 days....wanna go any quicker?

So....

I'm pretty much done with men. There are none out there, and I've been to the high heavens and back to search for one. Well....Southend and Plenty of Fish. But now this blog will consist of a personal pep talk if you will, for my saving for travelling!

7 months precisely today I was encounter a journey of a lifetime. My only problem is, saving in the present. I've worked out I need to be saving at least £700 a month from now to have barely efficient enough funds to get me by. that will be £4,200....£1,200 for the 2 months in thailand and then £3000 to enter Oz to work. Legally I need £3000 to enter the country! Although the STA guy sad they hardly ever check...sods law they will check mine and my dreams will be shattered as I'm booted off home.

So. Time to become a complete hermit, or have fun with no money....this will be a test of my social skills!

Turns out

After 24 years of being fucked over by men, my judgement STILL is completly clueless.

Benfleet boy ended up ever so slightly breaking my heart. Someone who I thought was completly harmless ending up harming me the most.

Now i am completly alone. No mr artist, no Benfleet boy. There is no one.

I need to keep reminding myself I am going travelling. I am LEAVING and there is no point in getting attached to anyone.

But alas I am pretty ungrateful...try telling someone to be alone who is surrounded by settled and loved up couples.

Successfully..

manage to fuck everything up.

It was confusing enough when there were two boys on the scene. There's now four.

I am a complete moron!

Uh oh....

So mr artist is slowly creeping into my thoughts more and more...

Lets pretend for a moment that I believe he is sincere in his words and his actions. Can someone really fake such sweetness for a mindless shag?

Little things like buying my favorite chocolate bar, giving me his jumper when he could tell I was cold in the cinema, picking me up in the silly hours of the morning from a night out and not even trying anything....surely this isn't the act of a temporary moment of lust?

But i've been out of the game for a while. Maybe this is how guys work these days. A part of me gets really uncomfortable when he mentions sex. But maybe i'm just scared because i'm not ready to, or maybe i'm scared that all this loveliness will go away and he'll generally reveal himself to be an arsehole. Or maybe, just maybe i'm scared above all, that after he's slept with me he'll stick around...and my feelings will go deeper. And....

Let's just leave that as a dot dot dot for now. Too much thinking involved!

Amazing

How one person can change your whole perspective on life.

I am in complete awe by mr artist. Don't get me wrong, a part of me still doesn't trust him. But there are moments where I feel I could completely lose myself in him, if I let it happen that is.

Lets just say if the plans we speak about during the summer actually come true, then I feel I'll be living my 2011 a little bit happier :)

Its amazing how much a dream can clarify things.

I dreamt last night that my ex decided to act like the boyfriend I always wanted him to be. The boyfriend that in reality hes not acting like with another girl. And I was happy.

But it breaks my heart to realise it was just a dream, and I know there's no going back for us. For even if he did decide to treat me the way I deserve to be treated...the lies, the ridicule...it would of clouded my judgement. I would of never trusted he wasn't going to change again.

And now I'm no longer with my Benfleet boy. I'm feeling pretty sorry for myself. I miss him. I know that it was a mutual decision for us to break up...he knows i'm going travelling and I know I could never end up in love with him. But a part of me wishes we were still together. I just miss the weekends more than anything. Waking up next to him and spending the day in bed together. The cuddles and being able to sleep in his arms. I miss being adored. I miss feeling wanted. I miss him.

I am now seeing who we will always Mr artist. He is the complete opposite of Benfleet boy. He has ambition, he has money, he has a car, he takes me out, he puts me up on this pedastool and thinks I'm gods gift.

And somehow Im not buying any of it. There is something I don't trust about him. Maybe it's me...maybe i'm just not use to having someone treat me so well? Or maybe its too soon after Benfleet boy.

Sometimes acting like a boy is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. I can joke to my friends "onto the next..." but I can get pretty lonely. I like my me time. But I just wish January would arrive so i can start my journey of discovery. So I can find out who I want to be...and more importantly. Settle. Settle down with a man, a job I'm happy with and feel content with life again.

I met southampton scumbag too soon. I was ready to marry him, and yet turns out I hardly knew the real him. And I hadn't even lived yet. I'm ready to live. I'm ready to move on. I just hate the waiting part in between.

Mr artist said something that stuck to me "Don't be afraid to just have this moment". Im scared to let anyone in because I'm leaving...but what if he's right. What if all these moments pass me by before I leave? At the moment it feels like I'm not really living. I need to live. I need to start enjoying life again...after all isn't this the place I'll end up coming back to?

Almost a year on...

And my things have changed! My whole life as you could say, temporarily cap-sided.

To catch you up, and to probably just remind myself of what I've been through, I am now in a new relationship in the sunny town of Benfleet.

If you can cast your mind back to June 2010, my life pretty much fell to pieces. From making a break from what seemed "the love of my life" I revert back to my single days, and live my life in a student residence with my fellow Irish ghetto and brick wall of my single life, My white Beyonce. From June 2010 and September 2010 I was left to pick up the pieces and get my former self back on track. I started running, (briefly) I wore more revealing outfits, I got cockier with men, I started eating better (because I didn't have to play housewife anymore) and I started to make plans. And the one thing that truely got me through that break up, and still helps me today is my one plan and dream. To travel.

In my madness I thought I could do this the January just gone. But If was to do this right I knew I had to save money, and how was I going to do that in a job in retail, barely scraping by?

Then came the heartbreaking decision to move home. After discovering Mr The One shacks up with an opposite of myself, and hearing a few more secrets from our relationship forming from the woodworks of lies, cheating and general idiotic boy behavior I felt my mind had reached its mental peak. I was not a well girl. I had been a naive fool, and I did not wish to stay in a town that made me feel like that.

It took me a while in my mind to accept this decision. As before that relationship came along, I had an amazing life in Southampton. And I had to say goodbye to some of the best friends I'll ever know. It still pains me not to see them on a daily basis.

But the one thing that truly saw me through, was knowing that I was not running away, but moving forward. Despite the irony of moving back home after 5 years of independence and freedom. I could save money. A lot of it, and get the hell out of here.

So I switch roles in work, and move onto a different brand to keep things interesting. And for a while I positively love my new job. But the darkness of retail politics can be a messy thing, and soon I become anxious of the people around me. I moved away from a job I hated with people I loved to the complete opposite. Actually, it's not that I hate the people. Far from it. But trust is not a word used easily in this team. Some days are actually pretty good. I get to merchandise my trends and not be bothered. But there will be an odd comment from the management that will get me down. Needless to say my job is there for money, not friendship.

I suppose there is one thing to be thankful for in my new job, and that is my new love interest. A man who is just as hopeless as me, and yet somehow still has a lot to offer. I like the fact on our first date all the rules were out of the window. I still remember the conversation I had with my friend before the date to calm my nerves. "Now just remember, no talking about exes and DON'T get drunk whatever you do!"

Sometimes. Its better to ignore your friends ;)

Now I know he's not "The One" but he's slowly restoring my faith in men. Which after my ordeal last year, says a lot for me. He's an absolute doofus that makes me laugh. He doesn't take himself too seriously and yet worries about everything. He makes me breakfast in bed and plays with my hair when were cuddling. He strokes my back when I'm not well and runs over to see me when I've had a bad day. He dances like an idiot and is probably the most laid back person I've met. He doesn't have any money to take me out but that surprisingly doesn't bother me. A man I can stay in bed with and make cookies with on a lazy saturday afternoon is a man worth keeping.

He knows I'm going travelling one day but doesn't really know when. I suppose I cant see us lasting long enough but he does constantly surprise me so you never know.

I've had enough of sharing for today. But that has been my life so far. And this blog will basically entail my saving up for traveling, and hopefully the experiences of that traveling!

Peace x