Uh oh....

So mr artist is slowly creeping into my thoughts more and more...

Lets pretend for a moment that I believe he is sincere in his words and his actions. Can someone really fake such sweetness for a mindless shag?

Little things like buying my favorite chocolate bar, giving me his jumper when he could tell I was cold in the cinema, picking me up in the silly hours of the morning from a night out and not even trying anything....surely this isn't the act of a temporary moment of lust?

But i've been out of the game for a while. Maybe this is how guys work these days. A part of me gets really uncomfortable when he mentions sex. But maybe i'm just scared because i'm not ready to, or maybe i'm scared that all this loveliness will go away and he'll generally reveal himself to be an arsehole. Or maybe, just maybe i'm scared above all, that after he's slept with me he'll stick around...and my feelings will go deeper. And....

Let's just leave that as a dot dot dot for now. Too much thinking involved!

Amazing

How one person can change your whole perspective on life.

I am in complete awe by mr artist. Don't get me wrong, a part of me still doesn't trust him. But there are moments where I feel I could completely lose myself in him, if I let it happen that is.

Lets just say if the plans we speak about during the summer actually come true, then I feel I'll be living my 2011 a little bit happier :)

Its amazing how much a dream can clarify things.

I dreamt last night that my ex decided to act like the boyfriend I always wanted him to be. The boyfriend that in reality hes not acting like with another girl. And I was happy.

But it breaks my heart to realise it was just a dream, and I know there's no going back for us. For even if he did decide to treat me the way I deserve to be treated...the lies, the ridicule...it would of clouded my judgement. I would of never trusted he wasn't going to change again.

And now I'm no longer with my Benfleet boy. I'm feeling pretty sorry for myself. I miss him. I know that it was a mutual decision for us to break up...he knows i'm going travelling and I know I could never end up in love with him. But a part of me wishes we were still together. I just miss the weekends more than anything. Waking up next to him and spending the day in bed together. The cuddles and being able to sleep in his arms. I miss being adored. I miss feeling wanted. I miss him.

I am now seeing who we will always Mr artist. He is the complete opposite of Benfleet boy. He has ambition, he has money, he has a car, he takes me out, he puts me up on this pedastool and thinks I'm gods gift.

And somehow Im not buying any of it. There is something I don't trust about him. Maybe it's me...maybe i'm just not use to having someone treat me so well? Or maybe its too soon after Benfleet boy.

Sometimes acting like a boy is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. I can joke to my friends "onto the next..." but I can get pretty lonely. I like my me time. But I just wish January would arrive so i can start my journey of discovery. So I can find out who I want to be...and more importantly. Settle. Settle down with a man, a job I'm happy with and feel content with life again.

I met southampton scumbag too soon. I was ready to marry him, and yet turns out I hardly knew the real him. And I hadn't even lived yet. I'm ready to live. I'm ready to move on. I just hate the waiting part in between.

Mr artist said something that stuck to me "Don't be afraid to just have this moment". Im scared to let anyone in because I'm leaving...but what if he's right. What if all these moments pass me by before I leave? At the moment it feels like I'm not really living. I need to live. I need to start enjoying life again...after all isn't this the place I'll end up coming back to?